Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize