I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
