I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
