I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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