Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
