Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
