shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I touched a dick in church today
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
