How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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