i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize