Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
