living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
