The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
