and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
we're so committed to being not committed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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