Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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