i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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