BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
