haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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