YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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