I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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