watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
