I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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