I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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