WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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