he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
