All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
