i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
