That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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