guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
