He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
