I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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