How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
