Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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