you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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