I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
