a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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