He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
