i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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