PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
