Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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