and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
