I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
