In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize