The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
