My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
