I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
