it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
