you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
