jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
