Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
