I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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