i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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