i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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