someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize