She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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