What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
